Jokes are like humans

Tummy Fury

He is now Stoptimus Crime.

It was delicious

I'd be like: "Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"

The first guy said, I was so wasted last night I blew chunks on my back porch. The second guy said that’s nothing, I was at a wedding last night and tried to make out with my mother-in-law! The third guy said I got all you beat, I brought a prostitute home and forgot I was married to Kristen who happened to be home. The first guys like y’all don’t get it, chunks is my dog!

She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing. She would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn’t know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks the wife asked, “Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?” He hadn’t and said so. Then she said, “Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she’s really doing.” Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road. “Well, is she selling drugs?” she asked excitedly.” “No, she’s not.” he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. “Well, what is it, then?” his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. “Her name is Sheena, but she prefers to be called 'shee', and she’s selling batteries.” “Batteries?” cried the wife. “Yes,” he replied. “Shee sells C cells by the Seashore.”

Because she wanted to lay it on the line 😎

His uncle just smiled and said - "his underpants will fit him like a glove..."

A tired businessman walks into a bar and sees a dusty old lamp on a shelf behind the counter. He asks the bartender, “Hey, what’s with the lamp?” Bartender shrugs, “Rub it if you want. But I’m warning you — the genie’s... a bit weird.” The man, half-drunk and curious, grabs the lamp and gives it a rub. Poof! A genie appears. The genie says, “You get one wish. Make it count.” The man thinks long and hard, then says, “Alright, I want a billion bucks and to be irresistible to every woman I meet.” The genie nods, snaps his fingers — and poof — the man is transformed into… a giant credit card. The bartender bursts out laughing. The man screams, “What the hell?!” The bartender shrugs, “Told you he was weird. He’s literal — last guy wished for a long, hard night, and woke up as a Viagra pill in a retirement home.”

He said, "Matt, I have some good news and I have some bad news." The art collector replied, "You know, I've had an absolutely rotten day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first." The lawyer said, "Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she has invested only $5,000 in two very nice pictures that she thinks will bring somewhere between 15 to 20 million dollars, and I think she might be right." Matt perked up and replied, "Amazing! My wife is such a brilliant businesswoman, isn't she? You've just made my day. Now, I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?" "The pictures are of you and your secretary.”